The Over-Parenting Trap
As parents, we’ve all made mistakes, but there’s one common error many of us are guilty of today: helicoptering. What we see as care and protection might actually be setting them up for failure rather than success. In a world where our kids are glued to screens and reliant on technology for even the simplest tasks, we’ve inadvertently made them less capable of navigating real life on their own.
The Dangers of Over-helping
Before your mind starts racing through the myriad parenting failures this could refer to, I’ll cut to the chase: we’re helping our children too much. Over the top, in fact—and we need to stop. If this statement makes you squirm a little, you’re not alone. I, too, have found myself guilty of questionable parenting decisions.
What’s the problem with helping kids too much, you might ask? Well, to put it simply, you’re paralyzing them with ineptitude. By over-helping, we’re setting them up to flail dismally when it’s time for them to face the world on their own.
If you haven’t noticed the signs of this creeping disease infecting Millennials, Gen Z, and beyond, you will soon enough. Our kids are increasingly lacking common sense and the ability to navigate the world outside their screens and earbuds. I’ve watched in bewilderment as my son used GPS to drive to his grandparents’ home—just ten minutes away. It’s as if our children are so focused on their devices that they’ve forgotten how to look out the window and observe their surroundings.
How Technology Compounds the Issue
It seems that those of us raised either by first-generation immigrants or boomers, who were taught to fend for ourselves, decided that our children shouldn’t have to struggle as we did. We were spanked, expected to earn good grades without coaching, do chores, get summer jobs, and take road trips as vacations. We’ve worked hard, steadily climbing each rung with determination and grit. But in our efforts to ease our children’s path, we’ve paved the road with gold and practically turned them into royalty from the moment they were born.
We wait on our children hand and foot like hired help, driven by love, yes, but also by a desire to give them everything we didn’t have. But our parents loved us too, even if they didn’t say it often. If I’d ever looked at my mother and bluntly said, “I need water,” I’d have worn the imprint of her hand for a week! There’s nothing wrong with helping one’s children—up to a point. But at what point does helping become too much?
Reclaiming Independence: A Call to Action
Why do we feel this persistent need to pamper and protect our children until they’re completely spoiled and entitled through no fault of their own? Perhaps it stems from our desire to make up for the discipline and lack of overt affection we experienced growing up. We’ve swung the pendulum so far in the opposite direction that we’re now raising kids who are overly dependent and unprepared for the real world.
The strength of modern positive parenting lies in its focus on empathy and self-awareness. I firmly believe that mutual respect for one another’s feelings goes a long way, no matter the age. But this approach can derail quickly when authority and discipline are neglected. Moreover, until kids reach the age of twenty-five or so, we’re essentially trying to reason with Neanderthals! As parents, we cave under the stress of outside pressure and opinions, questioning our instincts and skewing our judgment.
While staying actively engaged in our child’s life strengthens the parent-child bond, taking over every aspect of it by doing everything for them is detrimental. If your child seems needy and helpless even at the age of twenty, consider whether you taught them self-reliance or went to bat for them at every turn.
Teaching Practical Skills
How can we sigh in frustration if our child doesn’t know how to manage their expenses, pay bills on time, conserve energy, do their laundry, and so on if we’re not teaching them to do so early on? These are basic tasks that they’re not going to suddenly master on the day they turn eighteen through osmosis. Even college grads armed with a diploma and plenty of theory but zero practical experience struggle to adapt to the workforce and organize their personal lives effectively.
If we abruptly send our kids off into the deep without skills or preparation, they’re going to panic and sink. We teach young children water safety early on so that they know how to flip onto their backs and float in emergency situations. Why aren’t we doing the same to prepare them for the real world? If we continue to cater to all their needs (or technology does), what happens when we’re not around (or technology fails)?
The Bottom Line
As parents, we fear everything that could potentially harm our child. Yet, we have no more control over their lives than we do our own. Their journey will unfold in ways we may not understand and cannot foresee—and that’s okay. Our job is simple: love, guide, and encourage.
Bottom line? Do your child a favor and do less. They’ll thank you for it later.
